A mis-spent youth

I was a right Jack the lad when I was younger. I used to break into houses and eat any food I found. If I felt like it I would scratch the wallpaper, wee in the kitchen and poo in the bath before sweeping the lady of the house off all fours. There was a time when I was responsible for 30% of the illegitimate births in the conversation area of broccoli, SE4. I thought they would never catch up with me.

Then I started to get ill and found I couldn’t be bothered to wash myself so regularly and I stopped thinking about sex. Things were bad. My face was crusty and my coat needed cleaning. I followed a lady home and pretended to like her cat. It was easy to get her to like me and we moved in together, just as friends. She seemed nice.

What a schmuck. Before the week was out I was reported to the authorities and I fell into a classic honey trap. Lady police enticed me with kind words and special tickles and suddenly I was in a cell in something called ‘ice-lation’. They told me I had gone ‘astray’ and was homeless and set about reforming me.