Wake up, lazy bones

We had a house guest last night. There was a lot of giggling and drinking and perving at boys on the telly. We had fish and chips for our tea.

Our guest left early this morning. But my bird's bedroom door stayed closed. I hung around for hours waiting for her to get up. Eventually, I stood on the landing and noisily prepared myself for purging. Eventually, she opened the door and I threw up all over the carpet. Then I started down the stairs, and threw up twice more.

'Oh dear', she said, all confused. 'That's not a very nice way to wake me up'. I paddled around a bit and then tracked it down the rest of the stairs, into the kitchen and then back up the stairs again.

And then I lay on her bed and watched her clean the landing and start working down the stairs. Exhausted, I dozed off.

Doctor's orders

I had to go to the doctor this week. It was a new chap. He read my notes and said to her 'Is he going to attack me?'

Actually I used a new technique. I slumped my body and it took two of them to lift me out of my box. I had to stand on the scales and he said 'Oh, he's put on quite a bit of weight. Actually he is slightly overweight. What does he eat? You are feeding him that special hyper-allergenic stuff aren't you?'

Oh crap. That horrid bland mousse stuff they used to feed me in prison. I looked at her, and she looked at me. Don't mention the cheese, I thought. Please. Don't mention the cheese.

'Well, he enjoys quite a varied diet these days', she said off-handedly. There was an awkward silence.

'Well, with his medical history, it's no problem if he's slightly overweight. Gives him a bit in reserve for when he's under the weather'.

I LIKED this man. He gave me an injection and I got my ears syringed and some new tablets and some drops for my food and some drops for my ears and a pedicure as well.

Came home and ate a rabbit and lamb mix-up. Nice.

Out of the FP and into the F

In no time at all, the van stopped, the doors slid open and the guards got out. I heard a ringing sound, voices, clattering. Then I was lifted up, carried through a big blue door and when I opened my eyes, I was in a house, in a room. And in a cage.

I could see her sitting on a sofa, chatting with the guards. Pretty soon, she stood up and they left the room. The door closed and she walked back in. It was just the two of us now. I could take on this bird and break her in no time at all. I settled down in a corner and stared.

But she didn't look at me, didn't speak to me and just picked up the paper. What was wrong with the woman? Ignorant cow, I thought.

How I broke out of prison

The days dragged on with the same old prison routine. Slopping out. Two meals a day. Scratching from next door. Evil Archie looking in on me and baring his teeth.

Then one day she walked in again, with a guard. I crouched in the corner and hissed. She didn't seem impressed at all. 'Strict house arrest', the guard said. 'He's a fighter - be careful with those long claws'.

Later that day, I was covered up in a blanket and huddled into a prison van with bars on the windows. I was being transported out of that place!

How we met

If you remember, I was stuck in a cell, unwashed, unbrushed and hounded by a guard dog. The staff hated me. It was mutual.

After a few months I began to overhear snippets of conversation - the guards were hatching a plan to get rid of me. It seemed I could be released into the community, with some restrictions, if they could find me a place in a half-way hostel.

And one day, the door to my cellblock opened and in she walked. The guard said 'We've got two lovely kittens with ringworm next door you might be interested in'.

But she wasn't listening. We were looking at each other, and my ears were all flat. 'Oh, he's a bad lot this one', they told her and I got my claws out to prove a point.

'Oh, really?' she said. 'How thrilling....'

Then she disappeared again.

Quiet night in

She's just gone out. Put a big pile of food in my dish and waved goodbye. Don't wait up, she said. As if.

Another ridiculous outfit. She'll be coming back alone again.

My new screensaver

Filth

I knew it was serious when she came home last night. She took off her jacket, went upstairs and came downstairs in waterproof trousers and a vest. This looks interesting, I thought. She picked me up in a kind of weird lift, carried me into the bathroom and locked the door.

Unspeakable acts were carried out in that bathroom. Most of it is a blur, but I remember big jugs. And scratching her neck. And of course how wet she got.

Not as wet as me of course. Eventually, she wrapped me up in a towel and we watched all the dirty water going down the plughole.

What a dirty boy, Marley, she said. Filthy, dirty boy.

Double or quits

That then, was half of my successful weekend. On Sunday, I decided to test how far I could push her. When she came downstairs in the morning I lifted my head a little from my basket and then dropped it down heavily again.

Oh, don't get up sweetheart, she said. I've got to go out early. I'll leave you a little food in the kitchen.

I dropped off again and was jolted awake by her crashing back home some time later. I heard her go into the kitchen, look at my untouched breakfast and come in with that weird look on her face. Bending down, she gave me a little tickle behind my best ear.

Still a little bit under the weather? Ahhh, furry feet. Look, I'll make us a special treat today. You stay there.

So, I rested my eyes while she clattered about in the kitchen. Pretty soon, I was enjoying a pile of roast chicken, potatoes and gravy. I then collapsed on top of the News of the World while she washed the dishes. She was singing, she was so happy she had got me to eat.

LOL.

How to get everything you want off birds

I have had a blinding weekend. Sit back and learn from the master.

Now, I'm no idiot. I've lived on the streets. I know, for instance, that this bird sometimes layers my less favourite dinner (rabbit) with one of my favourite ones (salmon, for instance) to 'trick' me into eating it. Result? I get two dinners and she feels she's got one over me. Everyone's happy, even if some of us are a bit cleverer.

Yesterday, I was all cosy asleep on bed when I heard her calling.

Marley, darling, come on. It's nearly half eleven. You must try and eat a little breakfast, sweetheart.

She was right. Now I was awake, I was hungry. Staggering downstairs, I saw her mashing up a sachet of tuna. Yum. She put the plate down and I gingerly approached it. Then sat down.

Darling - look. It's tuna. Your favourite. Come on.

I moved away from the dish and sighed.

Oh dear. Perhaps a little chicken. Would you like that?

Into the cupboard, out with the pouch. She sloshed it all over the tuna chunks. I sniffed. A slight shake of the head. I couldn't possibly eat that.

Desperate now, she opened the cupboard again. Go on, I thought. Bring out the big guns.

The M&S gourmet meal. Beef and gravy.

She layered the beef onto my plate. I had now built myself a massive food pile. A fish, fowl and meat terrine. I dismissed her and dived in.

Mutton

I was listening to Radio Five yesterday afternoon, waiting for her to come back home. They were discussing mutton - what it is, how it tastes, how you cook it, why you can't find it every day. Then the door opened and in she walked, wearing the most astonishing outfit. Shorts! A Sex Pistols jumper. And a bobble hat.

No shortage of mutton round here.

More vigilance required

I crashed out on my blankie in front of the telly after my tea last night. When I woke up, hours later, my tail was wet with my drool.

I turned around and there she was staring at me. Creepy.

"Ha, so you are awake at last are you, lazy bones", she said. "Since you fell asleep I have had a bath, tidied up, put the dishes away, made phone calls and had my supper.

"Do you know what I had for supper, Marley? It was cheese. Lovely, lovely cheese. I ate it right next to you and your nose was twitching but you didn't wake up. If only you had, we could have shared. But I finished it all off on my own. Ah well, never mind".

I pretended not to care, but after she went to bed, I snuffled round on the carpet looking for cheesy deposits. Cheese - my pearly delight. She was right. There had been cheese in the room. I could smell it but not a trace to taste. She must have hoovered it all up herself.

What a selfish cow. I am going to stick my paw down my throat and puke under her bed later on.

Cheese please

I've got to get me some more of that cheese. She's out at the moment. I have looked under her bed and behind the sofa. I have got to find out where her stash is.

The best day of my life

I have discovered a whole new food group! It's neither fish, nor fowl, but it is the tastiest in the world. Ever. This could be our way out of this dump. I need to encourage her to make money out of this new invention of hers - a deal at Sainsbury or a telly programme. And I could write a book about its tastiness. My whole life is going to change from now on.

Not sure about her name for it though. We need to work on improving it. My alternative names so far include:

Gilded cloud
Yellow mist
Golden shower

It needs work, but 'cheese' does not really reflect its tasty glory.

More toilet trouble

I guess I wasn't concentrating. I used the toilet this afternoon and when I turned round to inspect my output, I realised I had missed the toilet completely and had left my mark on the kitchen floor. She won't be best pleased when she gets home. Still, a woman's place is on her hands and knees being a scrubber.

Bad Santa

My first night wearing the collar was fitful and restless. I only managed 11 hours. In my dreams I was being chased by a dachsund on a sleigh. That bell was ring-dinging and my slender legs were a blur of fur as they flew through the snow.

Not rested at all, I staggered downstairs and found her in the kitchen where she looked at me, chortled and turned back to the sink. The corners of her mouth were turned up but she said
"you look so sweet in pink, chubby chops. It's very - erm - striking."

I sat down on my mat and gave her a hard stare for 17 minutes. She found it so unbearable that she eventually pulled on her poncho and left the house.

Thank god I don't have to walk down the street with her in that poncho.

Humiliation

So, she came in today all excited and showed me her shopping. Oh, a new bracelet I thought. What do you think of it, she asked me. Nice isn't it?

What can you say in situations like this? It's pink, with silver hearts on it. And a bell for goodness sake. And she is pushing middle age DOWN the hill. I pretended to find the raindrops down the window fascinating so she wouldn't expect a reply.

Then. I can't bear it. She asked me if I wanted to try it on and before I could say anything she had put it round my neck. And it's still round there.

Apparently I am wearing a 'collar'.