Spring is in the air

I've had a rotten weekend. It all started yesterday when she came home and said to me 'It's the right time of the year for spring cleaning, Fatpuss' with a look in her eye that could only mean one thing. The weekly humiliation of a shampoo and towel rub. I was astonished at the dirt that came out of me and my fur bunged up the plughole quite impressively too.

Not much better today. She woke up, came downstairs and tipped me off my blankie before shoving it in the washing machine. After that the curtains went in, which she said were hemmed with my slime, which seemed a bit of an exaggeration. Then she went round the downstairs scrubbing the skirting boards and walls, looking at me every now and then with disdain. 'This dirt is all you, Junkbum', she said, which was harsh in two ways.

To round off my misery, she is now plugged into her red thingy and dancing round the lounge with a stupid smile on her face. I hope Ginger isn't looking in. The shame of it all.

Is it legal

For humans to go away and leave cats in the house alone for a whole weekend? A strange lady came into the house to give me my tea on Saturday and my breakfast on Sunday. I hid upstairs and watched her through the banisters.

When she came home on Sunday she was rosy cheeked and windswept. That's not a good look on her. She was all lovey dovey and chased me around so she could give me little squeezes behind my ear. It was pathetic really.

So, I got around to planning my revenge and today I went out for six whole hours. I found a nice spot under a shed down the road and I sat out a heavy rainstorm. She called and I just listened. Eventually I returned like a hero and got two of the best flavour pouches for tea.

Prawns. Then beef.

Velvet revolution

I've got a lovely new collar! It's black velvet with real diamonds in it. She gave me a deep massage shampoo, a towel dry, a brush through and a combing and then snapped on the new collar.

There, she said. I know you have a bit of a velvet fetish and this black collar really looks good with your fur. You are the handsomest chap in the garden, you really are.

I quickly looked around the garden. There WERE no other chaps there.